Sunday, June 28, 2009

On Marriage: Let's call the whole thing off

This is not actually my title - it is the title of an article found on MSN today. The author has determined to end her 20 year marriage. She had an affair and decided she didn't want to put the effort into falling back in love with her husband. The article, though, is more about whether or not marriage is still relevant. Apparently, marriage made sense 100 years ago when much of the world was agricultural and a large family was neccessary for the success of the family business. Today though we have Merry Maids, landscaping businesses, white-collar jobs, and fast food restaurants. Single parenthood isn't so unusual - in fact it's probably become the rule instead of the exception. And procreating isn't really a necessity either.

Some people shouldn't have children. I'm probably one of the them. Ask my mother. My sisters were the ones who wanted large families. My oldest sister was going to have 20 children - adoption was part of the plan. She has two - a girl who just turned 16 and a boy who will be 18 in August. In my mind's eye, they are still 7 and 5. Me, on the other hand, ended up with a total of 7. Actually 8 if you count my husband. Most days I do. I think I'm a good mom. I've seen worse. I've heard of better, but can't say I've actually witnessed any super-moms.

Religiously, I had to get married to have kids. Realistically, I'm a much better mom than I am a wife. I admit it's nice having a second set of eyes and hands around to manage the kids but not necessary. Besides, I have a 14-year-old son who can be that second set pretty well. What does that mean for me? I'm not sure yet. I believe in the institution of marriage but not because of how it works to my advantage in this life. I don't buy the whole "in love" thing either. It's nice to have that, but there has to be more. Being "in love" isn't sufficient for the marriage to survive.

I want a partner and I want to be a partner. It's nice to be loved, but I want to be respected and honored and trusted. I want to be relevant.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Week Ending 6/21/09

First, Happy Father's Day to all those who have contributed so fully to the generations who followed. My own father was a great example to me growing up of how to be strict, yet forgiving; firm, yet kind; demanding, yet giving. No wonder I'm so wishy-washy.

I was going to write last week but was just exhausted from day camp. I'm still exhausted but we skipped church (missed both alarms and had no kids to rally us from our beds) so I'm now somewhat more conscious.

The past two weeks have been focused primarily on Cub Scout Day Camp. We love the program but it does get hard on us and the children. Cierra in particular is much more prone to fits and tantrums than normal. She's also got that independent streak that causes her to know exactly how to get under my skin at the most inopportune moments. Neil has been working at the BB Gun Range while I split my time between the pool and watching the Mowglis (staff children).

We continue to search for jobs with no luck. I've applied to DES for assistance and am hoping to hear back from them soon. We've heard nothing from the bank regarding the offer on the house so I will call tomorrow morning. The kids have excitedly begun to pack up their rooms. I'm not sure where all the excitement comes from but I know there will be relief to be out from under the responsibility of this mortgage and can only hope the Lord sees fit to provide for us before we are forced to live out of our vehicles.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Week Ending June 7, 2009

We're into day camp - full swing. So right now my life is getting up, getting things packed up, leave for day camp, spend 9 hours at the Heard either at the pool or with the Mowglis (staff day care), come home, put the kids to bed, crash out.

Nothing real exciting this past week other than we filled out all the paperwork for the house short sale and sent it to the bank and Derek turned 14 on Thursday. That was roundtable night so Neil stayed home with the kids while I went to day camp by myself. He had a counseling appointment with Alyx which seemed to go fairly well. Derek leaves for camp tomorrow, Aaron got home yesterday.

Church today was okay I guess. I got berated by the mother of the other teacher for not bringing the bread again but when I told her that we were having a busy month, she told me she didn't want to be involved, that it should be between her son and and Aaron. So either she wants to be involved or she doesn't. Not really sure. And at the moment I really don't care. I told her I couldn't commit to bring bread for sure because of the house situation and she finally walked away. I then broke down in tears and my friend who witnessed it all comforted me.

We were actually late for church - in fact probably would have skipped if it wasn't for the fact that Neil has to teach primary. And we decided to let the kids stay home and sleep in so Neil and I made it in time for the primary portion. I thought I was helping him teach - but it doesn't start til next week when another class' teachers are out of town so we're covering that class along with Neil's. The president felt it would be better to team teach rather than have me teach one and Neil teach his own because of some of the kids' in that class. It's a larger class and having two teachers helps maintain order.

We got home, got some food for the kids and then took a long nap. We just finished up scripture reading and the kids have had their showers for the night. Time to go back to bed.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

We got an offer on the house

It's not a great offer, but then again, we're not going to see any of the money anyway. I don't know if the bank will accept the offer or not, but again, not really a big concern. What is good about the offer is that it will most likely defer the foreclosure while the bank decides what they want to do with the house. As I best understand it, they would rather accept an offer than go through the expense of a foreclosure. So we could be here until mid-July or we could be here through October. There is some fear in the unknown. Without a job, how are we going to find another place to live? Who will rent to us without any income? And yet, I know it will be okay. I don't know how, but it's not the first time in my life the Lord hasn't made me privy to the details. I could probably ask, but I think there is a part of me that doesn't really want to know. And of course there is the concern that I will get the answer I've received in the past - it's not pertinent for me to know. You want to know why I believe in a Heavenly Father - it's because I've had so many of these experiences where I get an answer, just not the one I want. I think He looks at me as the perpetual teenager. And having a teenager of my own, I somewhat understand why.