Happy Birthday Little Bit

Today my baby turns 7.  Rachel wasn't due for another week but quite honestly I was tired of being pregnant.  She was my last pregnancy and an unexpected one at that.  After Cierra had been born we looked into permanent prevention.  We decided that Neil would undergo the necessary procedure as it was less invasive and quicker recovery.  Everything was set but on the day he was to go in, his blood pressure was too high and the doctor chose not to perform the procedure.  A few months later I took a trip to visit a friend, came home to an anxious husband, and ended up pregnant.  This began a whirlwind of changes in our lives.

Quickly, the house became too small, as were the cars, the paychecks, and my patience.  In fact, the only thing getting bigger was my belly.  We considered adding on to the house, but decided that the inconvenice of "under construction" would not bode well with the "under construction" my body was already dealing with.  So we house hunted, name hunted, car hunted, and job hunted.

As many of you know, we are a blended family.  Coincidence when we married was that we each had a child with the first initial of A and D.  When Nick was born, we matched up his N with Neil and Cierra was deliberately spelled with a C to keep things neat and even.  Rachel was unexpected and we had no match.  Well, not exactly no match, but who wants to admit that they looked for an R name to match the family dog Ruger?

This addition to our family was not exactly an elation in my life.  I've never had difficult pregnancies, but I was done.  It was such a disruption and I couldn't imagine why God would punish a child by sending her to our family.  Again, the blended family - yeah, well, more like a mud pie than a smoothie.  Marriages and families are difficult enough without adding in exes and stepsiblings and baggage.  Oh the baggage. We have plenty and I'm not even sure it's all ours.  So in a moment of despair (and there were plenty) I whined to Heavenly Father about this additional burden. 

After my divorce, I was left unfulfilled.  I had always had the feeling that I was supposed to have a girl.  As I dated and searched for a companion, I was looking for not only a man who would be a good father to my two boys, but also someone who was wanting more children so I could get my girl.  With Cierra in our home, I had my girl. And boy is she mine.  So I couldn't understand why we were being sent another child.

I received a very humbling answer.  My Little Bit chose to come to our family.  She was a spirit who had been denied a body due to a mother's choice to abort.  And she had been given a choice of where to go and she chose me.  I don't feel like I'm a great mom and I couldn't imagine anyone actually wanting to be part of our family - baggage and chaos and, well let's face it, we're not exactly an ideal family.  But she chose to come to our family and in moments of frustration and downheartedness, she is a light to my life.  Part of it is her personality.  She is a loving child.  She has a wicked sense of humor.  She can be girly but most times prefers to take on the world with no respect to the consequences. And part of it is that she is a reminder to me that I must be doing something right because she chose me.

Happy Birthday to my Little Bit.  Thank you for choosing our family and allowing me to be your mom.  xoxoxoxo


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